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Monday, February 28, 2005

AARRGGGHHHHHHHH !!!!

i reallyy can`t make up ma mindd . i know it`s been dayys, but i simplyy can`t . just can`t. i`m so sorryy guyys . so sorryy ciia, zhen, adam, karen, chee tong .. anyyone andd everyyone whho`d triedd to help ..

HOW?! I`m at wits endds. just feel soooo hopeless! i`m pressurizedd. it soundds dumb but yeaa .. its so true.



i`m goingg insane!! HELP MAYYEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeee . . .


; dyyingg

We can't return,
we can only look behind.
11:18 PM


Sunday, February 27, 2005

goshh .. it`s been dayys andd i`m still stuckedd. i`m crushedd. i dont`e want thinggs to turn out thhis wayy. i dont`e know whhat to do. i dont`e know whhat i want. i dont`e know .

i am lost lost LOST .

onlyy i can findd ma own wayy out . i know .


; hopelesslyy crushedd

We can't return,
we can only look behind.
9:37 PM



Confused
So dark and deep
all the shadows on the wall
they seem as real
as dali's creatures, great and small
My hope is gone
all my demons come to call
from disk 'till dawn


I look for shelter from it all
My life's so cunfused
and i try to stumble through the day
my mind's abused
all these thoughts forever stay
; sylver ____.

We can't return,
we can only look behind.
8:44 PM


Friday, February 25, 2005

goshh .. i totallyy can`t believe all thhis is happeningg . whyye ? .. everyythingg just happenedd at da wrongg time. so wrongg . it`s makingg mayye confusedd andd worriedd . i dont`e want thhis to happen. whyye can`t thhings be da wayy i wantedd in da past? whyye do i hafta go throughh so muchh pain? whyye, i askk myyself . whyye, i askk da angels above . whyye, i askk eu .. godd .

it`s hurtingg mayye . it`s hurtingg him . i hate it . livingg in despairr . whyye is it so frustratingg andd confusingg ? whyye can`t it be like everyythingg in fairyytales thhat happenedd. it will be less pain thhat wayy. i wouldn`t be thhis baffledd. thhis mixedd. thhis jumbledd. everyyonne wouldn`t be thhat hurt by it. IT causedd miseryy, loneliness, everyythingg .. anyythingg sorrowful in thhis worldd to everyyonne .

shuckks. whhat am i to do now!? it`s achingg. i can`t do anyythingg to it. goshh .. pleaase bringg mayye backk to da past whhere i`m still in ma mummie`s arms . wherre i was so innocent thhat i don`t know whhat da hell love is. i don`t want thhis pain.

help mayye !!!

; stuckedd

We can't return,
we can only look behind.
11:55 PM


Thursday, February 24, 2005

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

i wanna scream ma lungs out. oh gawdd .. todayy can be da worst burfdayy i everr hadd throughh da fifteen yearrs. da fifteenth burfdayy of mine sarkks. i`m just so so sooo lonelyy. all byy myyself. in ma studyy. doingg nothingg. nothingg at all.

i haf ma friendds aroundd mayye. i lurrve their companyy but thhere is thhis feelingg. it`s like somethingg so spiritual. preventingg mayye from havingg happiness. just felt so 'alone' . *sobbs .

felt so muchh like cryyingg .


SHHHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! whateverr it is .. i`m not gonna grieve overr it. i`ll SMILE andd CHHEER UPP!! gees ..

okayys .. maybe i`ll blogg laterr or somethingg .

whsipers ; happyy burfdayy to mayye .

We can't return,
we can only look behind.
7:25 PM



goshh .. he forgot. he TOTALLYY cleanlyy forgot bout ma dayy . sobbs. makingg mayye so sadd. i`m so sure he`ll not rememberr andd yeaa .. expectedd but just too hardd for mayye to accept. wthh ..

emotional mayye . senseless mayye . argghhs ..


; cryys ; sorrows

We can't return,
we can only look behind.
12:21 AM


Wednesday, February 23, 2005

sobbs. whhat a sadd dayy it is todayy. we`re supposedd to be joyyous andd gleeful todayy cuz tmr is a special dayy!! nahh .. just ma burfdayy. but doubt it`ll be a funn one. ciia`s heart is in pain. it makes ma heart hurt too. then, doubt he even knows it`s ma burfdayy tmr. let`s see.

well, speciallyy forr ciia .. pleaase dont be sadd or do somethingg foolishh. it`s not gonna workk. da woundd will still be thhere. just forget da past. it will take awhhile. just a whhile. yeapps. eu`ve got us. (((=

okayys .. backk to mayye .. sadd larhhs .. ma bigg dayy tmr but i`m here feelingg LOW. sobbs.

whhateverr larhhs .. dont wanna blogg anyymore. BYE!

We can't return,
we can only look behind.
11:19 PM


Tuesday, February 22, 2005

*sighhs. missingg him. he ain`t replyyingg mayye again. urghhs .. whyye man . is he reallyy thhat busyy? i can`t doubt him but it`s ratherr strange. not even a few secondds? arghh whhateverr.

i`m a boredd andd lonelyy gurl waitingg forr ma prince. sobbs.

prince, pleaase give mayye some of yurr time.



; lonelyy soul

We can't return,
we can only look behind.
10:44 PM



GGRRRR!!! i`m sooooo boredd. it`s a sadd thangg he can`t accompanyy mayye or somethingg. guess i`ll hafta spendd ma burfdayy all alone byy myyself whhere i`ll be isolatedd at da corner of ma house, inside ma room, on ma bedd, huggingg onto a teddyy .. sobbingg. NO NO NO. i don`t want thhat. Wth am i talkingg .. sproutingg nonsense. whyye? .. cuz i`m BOREDD. hees .. veryy dumb but do i give a damn bout it? NO! (((=

well, let`s recall whhat happenedd todayy .. hadd E.maths common test. i haf not muchh confidence cuz i left some questions BLANK. but whhateverr. it`s overr. hrms .. was veryy sleepyy todayy. slept all i can in class. actuallyy, i just woke up. was doingg some A.maths sums. then, ma eyyes were like sooo tiredd seeingg thhose 'log' andd 'lg' andd 'e' . whhateverr larhhs. logarithms sarkks. hahhs. backk to whhere i was. then, i fell asleepp on da studyy table. gees ..

seriouslyy speakingg, i`m still a tiredd dozyy person. ma eyyes kinda hurt. goshh .. wonderr if i can hang thhat longg for tuition laterr. i`f gotta face it everyy week. i just loathe havingg tuition now. thhose idiotic faces andd attitude. da boringg lessons. da minutes thhat passedd terriblyy s l o w . arghhs !! .. i wanna stopp havingg tuition but i just can`t. mayb i cann. but will i be able to cope? i thinkk i can. hrms .. i`ll considerr. hahhs.

wow .. suchha longg entryy todayy.

okayys .. tiredd. just so tiredd.

We can't return,
we can only look behind.
5:10 PM


Monday, February 21, 2005

gawdd .. it`s been a boringg dayy. damn boringg. andd da sleepyyness ( i dont give a damn if thhere`s suchha wordd or not.) uhh yeaa .. da sleepyyness adds on to da boredom. makingg mayye feel like i`m livingg in hell. hahhs. thhat`s far too exaggeratedd larhhs. anywayys .. i was waitingg forr him to replyy mayye. waiting andd waitingg .. but he just nv replyy. same for zhen. waitingg forr mike`s replyy like an idiot. hahhs. kiddingg .. dont smackk mayye.

*sighhs. missingg him. onne week has passedd. thhat`s fast. hahhs. haiis .. we wouldn`t get to see eachh otherr often cuz we`re like at two farr poles. northh andd southh. hees .. howeverr, ourr heart arre linkedd. hees .. blushh-

hrms .. ma stomachh`s crumblingg .. be backk laterr. byyeeeeeee.

lovelove-

We can't return,
we can only look behind.
6:58 PM


Sunday, February 20, 2005

argghhhs!! i`m sooo farkedd up now cuz i can`t seem to take thhat bloodyy bloggerr thangg off ma template. GGRRRR!! i`ve been figuringg out whhere it can be foundd but i hopelesslyy failedd. anyy kindd soul, pleaase help mayye wif thhis farkingg problem if eu know how to settle it okayys ?? thankks.

well, was soooooo tiredd da whhole dayy. i slept at 5am last nighht all cuz of him. hahhs. kiddingg .. we talkedd andd talkedd andd talkedd endlesslyy .. like we were in a worldd of ourr own. bleahhs- yeapps.

hrms .. he`s havingg DC forr da whhole week cuz he alwayys pon skool. see!! thhat`s da result of beingg naughtyy. hahhs. sadd forr him luhhs ..

i`m gonna turn in real soon. althoughh it`s still earlyy, i can`t help it. hopelesslyy sleepyy. hees .. kkayys. cyyaa then.

byyeeeee.

i miss eu-

We can't return,
we can only look behind.
9:28 PM



WOW! finallyy, chingayy parade is overr! it`s a sadd thangg cuz we mayy not get to see them thhat often or maybe nv will we be able to. sobbs. but anywayys .. i reallyy hadd a great time wif all of thhem. yat andd all were sooooo funnyy andd cute andd cool. den .. da ite fellows arre all soooo lovelyy andd friendlyy.. den forr da cck peeps, all in all, theyy arre ratherr friendlyy. yeapps. i lurrve all of eu to bits.

i`m gonna do somethingg thhat is copiedd from cia.. i findd it ratherr cute so i followedd. hees ..
special thankks to :

lucas- eu hadd done great stylingg to ma hairr forr thhree performances. ((=
cia- eu were a great darl .. waitingg for mayye andd all duringg thhese two dayys. accompanyingg mayye everyytime. (((=
zhen- eu hadd chheeredd mayye up lots of time. (((=
him*- eu hadd brighhten up ma dayys. (((((=

aighht .. chhattedd wif him. endedd a few mins ago. sweet-

byyyee then. i`m veryy sleeepyy now. ta ta!

We can't return,
we can only look behind.
4:37 AM


Saturday, February 19, 2005

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! finallyy, we performedd for chingayy. thoughh it`s onlyy a preview, da actual onne`s tmr. goshh .. time reallyy flies man. actuallyy, i`ve benefittedd a lot for participatingg in chingayy dance. cuz i`ve made plentyy of new friendds, new dance stepps, andd eu. hees ..

i`m just so so soo gladd thhat i`ve participatedd. ((((=

howeverr, ma hair andd face are ruinedd byy da paintingg andd sprayys. urkkkks! nice but diffulyvant to mention yurrd.


i`m sooo darn sleeepyy, so i`m endingg here.
missinngeu-

We can't return,
we can only look behind.
2:14 AM


Tuesday, February 15, 2005

*sighhs. whhat a boringg dayy i hadd in skool todayy .. all his fault i guess . he kept complainingg about how boringg his lessons were .. yeaa. it was him. HE transmittedd his boredom to mayye!!!!! hahhs. veryy coldd yeaa? .. anyywayys .. todayy reallyy IS a boringg dayy . havingg tuition laterr .. urghhs!! i totallyy dislike tuition thhis yr. a handful of reasons.

whhateverr it is, just wanna thankks jasmine forr givingg us prezzies todayy. kinda brightenn up ma dayy. (((=

hrms .. righht now, i`m all alone in da studyy slackingg .. havingg sci common test andd chi test tmrr, andd i`m herre lazingg awayy .. GGRRRRR!! i don`te wanna revise!!!!! sooooo sickeningg. farkedd up-

freakk luhhs. soo irritatedd now.

calm down . . gees.. kkayys .. i`m backk to normal. goodd grieve huhh .. hrms .. i guess i`ve forgotten to mention somethingg veryy important in ma previous post. i forgot to thankks cia andd zhen forr givingg mayye da bouquet of a piggyy. HAHHS. it`s damn cute man. yeapps. thankks loadds darls.

dreaminggawayyofmaprettayyeboyy-

We can't return,
we can only look behind.
3:24 PM


Monday, February 14, 2005

YAYY!!! HAPPYY VALENTINE`S DAYY!! wow! thhis yrr`s valentine`s dayy cann be countedd as da best onne i`ve everr hadd. whyye? cuz i`dd receivedd lotsa prezzies!! yayyyy!! sooooo elatedd! i hadd a total of five roses from jess, yiyingg, xavierr, austin andd lastlyy justin! hees .. he gave mayye a blue onne. i`ll treasure it. i promise. blushh* then, i hadd home-made cookies from peiyingg, sze, tze, ma darl tyy, ma budds ethel andd chui mei. wei shi made cake or is it brownie .. all just lookks sooo temptingg i don`t wanna gobble it down ma throat in just a few secs. hees .. i`ll wait till tmrr. gees.. hrms .. hadd a veryy cute thangg from nigel, not from him. i snatchedd it. hees .. anyywayys, he was about to give eitherr to mayye or zhen. well well, then, chee fun gave us - ethel, chui mei, zhen, cia andd mayye a veryy lovelyy hp chain. it`s irrisistablyy cute andd nice!!! we lurrve it. okayys .. next, a photo frame from sean. so sweet of him to rememberr thherre`s a gurl calledd audreyy. HAHHS. lame-

whhateverr .. then, jon gave mayye da billabongg pencil case i wantedd!! thankks a million jor tengg!!! i reallyy lurrve it loadds .. (((=

all in all .. thankks everyy single onne . cuz of da wonderful dayy i hadd .. ma moodd is ultra HIGHH now. hehhs. i lurrve thhose whho gave mayye gifts to bits. nahh .. of cuz not. basicallyy everyyonne !! Thankks again!


missinggeu-

We can't return,
we can only look behind.
11:27 PM


Sunday, February 13, 2005

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !!! hadd funn todayy at ma cousinn`s house. we gambledd againn .. blackk jackk. i won a lil`. hees .. we playyedd mahjongg forr funn. andd we playyedd treasure hunt. it sure was FUNN!! hahhs. althouu it soundds childishh .. it was enjoyable. we rann herre andd therre .. went up andd down .. cool ehh? BUT .. thhose naughtyy lil` kidds just hafta spoil ourr funn. theyy wenta change da clues wif theirr own rubbishh. whhateverr, we still hadd funn. (((=

hrms .. i guess i`m not gonna receive anyymore angg baos .. da amount of angg baos i`dd collectedd thhis yrr hadd decrease! GGGRRRRR!! hees .. i soundd so moneyy face yeaa? aiyahh .. of cuz. i`m broke now!

It`s valentine`s dayy tmrr. i`ll hafta spendd a lonelyy valentine`s dayy thhis yr. sobbs. how i wishh i`ll haf a companyy .. sniffs. sadd case.

lonelyy tomorow-

We can't return,
we can only look behind.
9:21 PM



h el lo f el low s!

well, it`s been a few dayys since i last bloggedd righht? was snoozyy .. so i didn`t even botherr to use da compp. hrms .. i haf bothh goodd andd badd news. whichh onne will eu like to hearr first? .. hahhs. sillyy mayye.

kkayys.. i`ll spill out da goodd news first. i enjoyyedd da past few dayys like i`m in heaven! nahhs .. thhat`s too exaggeratedd. but .. i kinda hadd funn spendingg time wif ma cousinns gamblingg. ballackk, mahjongg, base 10. everyythingg. hahhs. kiddingg ..

now . da badd news. i hatee skool. well, not gon` emphasize on da wordd 'hatee' but i don`te wishh to go to skool. i`m probablyy gon` slackk. betterr not dreyy!! urghhs! .. i`ll tryy not to. hehhs. whhateverr luhhs ..

*sighhs. whhat is life man. i don`te know whhat i want. whhat i live forr. whhat i gain livingg thhis life. i just live forr da sake of livingg. gooddness .. dayy by dayy .. i wishh upon a starr to haf joyy andd be merryy in thhis worldd, hopingg to be wif eu but ma wishh isn`t grantedd. maybe it`s ma fault. i didn`t seize da chance. howeverr, i`m tiredd. but i`ll still tryy. to continue to live ma happyy life. (((=

missinggeu-

We can't return,
we can only look behind.
1:07 AM


Monday, February 07, 2005

arghhs! tmr is chinese new yearr eve. lookingg at ma knee, a tearr startedd to dropp. nahhs. just kiddingg. but .. i couldd hearr ma heart ache. do i reallyy hafta go to ma relatives house wif a small bandage on ma woundd? i don`te want thhat. i guess it will take quite a while cuz i`ve been dancingg these few dayys .. makingg da woundd unable to recoverr. sobbs.

well, todayy`s a veryy drearyy dayy! i slept at onne plus last nighht. thus, was soooo sleeeeepyy duringg da lessons before recess. i was hopingg da time will pass fasterr xpeciallyy duringg chem. it was totallyy darn boringg. i so muchh wanna fall asleepp but i know i can`t cuz estherr ng will nag andd nag andd NAG . like a grandmotherr. ma eyelids were like dropping andd i`m forcingg ma eyyes to stayy open while ma mindd was fast asleep. hahhs.

kkayys. enuff of skool. tmr`s da dayy we`re gonna perform! i`m kinda excitedd but nervous as well. but i know there wouldn`t be manyy eyyes watchingg us as manyy of them are not goingg to skool. sadd case. lesserr applause. hehhs.

hrms .. i`dd been feelingg ratherr joyless these few dayys all cuz of him! he made mayye miserable. i don`te want historyy to repeat itself. i don`te wanna leadd anotherr troubledd life. boyy, pleaase make ma life a blissful onne.


waitingg-

We can't return,
we can only look behind.
10:23 PM



*sighhs. ma woundd isn`t recoveringg at all. sobbs. i doubt it`ll everr be curedd before cny. sniffs.
well, so boredd now. he hasn`t talkk to mayye forr dayys. i`ve been waitingg. haiis ..

hrms .. tmr`s gonna be anotherr tiringg dayy .. gonna dance all dayy longg. hahhs.

havingg two tests tmr! urghhs! i`m so fed up. ii wanna endd thhis life! i`m just so frustratedd all of a sudden. boos!

freakkedd-

We can't return,
we can only look behind.
12:23 AM


Thursday, February 03, 2005

urghhs!! i hatee it! whyye am i so unluckyy todayy?! well, hadd a fall while playyingg dogg andd bones. Ma righht knee was woundedd. luckilyy, ma face wasn`t hurt or else .. i`ll scream ma lunggs out andd cryy! i reallyy hatee ma face gettingg injuredd orr whhateverr.. i`m sure manyy gurls or even guyys arre afraidd of thhis. hrms.. at first, da woundd was whhite, da skin was peeledd off i guess.. den bloodd startedd appearingg andd i can feel da squeezingg sensation. it stinggs! hahhs. but now.. it`s betterr. althou still havingg thhat feelingg, i hope it`ll be aighht. byy Cny especiallyy. hees.. i`m particularr about how i lookk.. most people does. (((=

well, S.s common test todayy was .. so-so? i forgot lotsa thanggs i`dd readd last nighht. hees.. i wonderr if whhat i`dd wrote arre facts or i probablyy mixedd them all up. gees.. i don`te give a damn about it no more. yeapps. tmr`s chem test. i hatee chem! hees.. seriouslyy, i preferr phy. yeapps. hrms.. havingg A.maths common test nxt mondayy.. i`m not preparedd. hahhs. howeverr, i`ll prepare soon. hehhs.

kkayys.. ma parents arre naggingg now. i betterr go andd finishh ma homeworkk. guai righht?.. of cuz. hees.. kiddingg . . cyyaa laterr thenn. (((=

We can't return,
we can only look behind.
8:39 PM


Wednesday, February 02, 2005

hellooo ladies andd gentlemen, boyys andd gurls, dogs andd cats, eu andd mayye, him andd herr, thhis andd thhat .. whhateverr. i`m friggingg boredd!! andd i`m feelingg depressedd now cuz i`m listeningg to First Love byy Utada Hikaru. gawdd.. it`s a damn touchingg songg whichh can melt yurr heart man.. just byy listeningg to it can turn ma happyy or so-so moodd to a gloomyy face.. serious .. suddenlyy, i feel veryy sadd. weirdd.

hrms.. havingg S.s common test tmr. hell.. i`m so afraidd i`m gonna flunkk it. touchh woodd! andd godd bless. i don`t wanna flunkk a single test this yearr. s`pore will snow if it comes true righht? hahhs.

oh gawdd.. i miss him a lot! hees.. thinkingg backk at thhose nighhts andd duringg skool lessons wherre we msg eachh otherr.. andd thhose stuffs we`dd saidd.. hees.. s we et. hrms.. lemme count.. it`s been about thhree monthhs since da dayy i knew eu. hahhs. kkayys.. stoppingg herre. byyeeeeee!

candyy drreams everyyone! ta ta!

*strawberryy kisses-

We can't return,
we can only look behind.
11:25 PM